Coping With Grief During the Holidays, With Dr. Ryan Bjerke
Here in Minnesota, the holidays have a really special way of bringing us all together. The church basement fills up for the lutefisk dinner, the kids press their noses to the window waiting for the first real snowfall, and somebody’s tater tot hotdish takes its usual spot of honor on the kitchen counter. But, for a lot of families, there’s also an empty chair at the table this year. Maybe it’s the first holiday season without a parent, a spouse, a grandparent, or a close friend. Maybe the loss happened years ago, and the ache still shows up every December right on schedule.
Grief during the holidays is something that many of us face, but it’s not something that we talk about very often. It can feel like everyone around you is merry and bright while you’re quietly just trying your best to get through the day. If that sounds familiar, please know that you’re not alone.
To help, we sat down with Dr. Ryan Bjerke, MD, one of the newest family medicine providers at Entira Family Clinics. Dr. Bjerke has a special interest in mental health, geriatrics, and pediatrics, and he believes in caring for the whole person, not just the physical side of health. He also knows this topic personally. In this guide, he shares his own story along with ways to care for yourself and the people you love this season.
Why Grief During the Holidays Can Feel So Heavy
The holidays are created around traditions, family, and togetherness. That’s what makes them so special, and it’s also what makes a loss feel so difficult at this time of year. Every ornament, every recipe card in Grandma’s handwriting, and every familiar Christmas carol can bring back memories of the person who isn’t there anymore.
And grief isn’t the only thing weighing on people. According to a 2023 poll from the American Psychological Association, 89% of U.S. adults said that something about the holiday season causes them some kind of stress, and 38% said that missing family or loved ones was a source of that stress. For people that are already living with mental health conditions, the season can be even tougher. A survey from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) found that 64% of people with a mental illness said that the holidays made their condition worse.
When you add in our short Minnesota days, holiday stress, busy schedules, travel, and financial pressure, it’s easy to see why the holiday blues hit so many people this time of year.
Grief Doesn’t Disappear, We Learn to Grow Around It
For Dr. Bjerke, the holidays carry a special weight. His grandmother passed away on Christmas Day after a battle with cancer.
“The grief has not disappeared so much as we have had to learn to grow around it,” he shares. “As a family, we recognize the extra emotional load this places on us around the holidays.”
That idea of growing around grief is a helpful one. Many people expect grief to shrink over time until it’s gone. In reality, the loss often stays about the same size, but our lives slowly grow bigger around it. We make new memories, find new routines, and learn to carry the love that we have for that person alongside the joy of the season. Some years will feel lighter than others, and that’s okay.
Coping With Grief: Gentle Ways to Get Through the Season
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and there’s no single checklist that makes the holidays easy after a loss, but there are some simple things that can make coping with grief a little more manageable. Here are a few ideas to try.
Give Yourself Permission to Do Things Differently
You don’t have to do every tradition exactly the way you always have. Maybe this is the year you skip sending holiday cards, let someone else host Christmas Eve, or trade the big family dinner for a quiet morning of pancakes in your pajamas. Mayo Clinic Health System reminds families that changing or skipping a tradition doesn’t mean the change has to be permanent. You can always pick it back up next year.
Plan Ahead for the Hard Days
Certain days, like the anniversary of a death, a birthday, or Christmas morning, can carry an especially heavy load. Think ahead about which moments might be hardest and make a simple plan for them. That might mean having a friend on standby for a phone call, scheduling a walk outside, or letting your family know that you may need to step away for a few minutes during the gathering.
Make Room for Memories
Talking about your loved one can bring both laughter and tears, and both of these things can be healing. Some families light a special candle at dinner, set an extra place at the table, hang an ornament in their loved one’s honor, whip up that person’s famous wild rice soup or favorite pan of bars, or go around the table and share a favorite story. These small rituals are a way of saying, “You’re missed, and you’re still part of this family.” For more ideas on keeping meaningful traditions alive, check out our post on the power of traditions.
Keep Up the Basics (Without Aiming for Perfect)
Grief is exhausting, both emotionally and physically. It’s easy to let things like sleep, meals, exercise, and even medications slide during the holidays. Dr. Bjerke encourages patients to think of it like a classroom.
“I often tell patients to shoot for 90% when it comes to their good habits as a baseline. On the holidays, consider that a C grade is still passing in this classroom analogy,” he says. “Consistency is much more important than perfection here.”
A few simple habits can go a long way. Dr. Bjerke aims for eight to nine hours of sleep a night when possible, since rest gives your body and mind a chance to recover from a heavy emotional load, and our simple sleep health tips can help. Movement is also really important, and a short walk around the neighborhood to look at the Christmas lights absolutely counts. On those extra busy or hard days, he relies on deep breathing, lifting weights, and walking his dog. When it comes to medications, “pill organizers and phone alarms are your best friend,” he says, since grief and busy holiday schedules can make your memory a bit less reliable. And while it can be tempting to lean on a drink to take the edge off, alcohol can worsen a low mood, disrupt your sleep, and interact with some medications.
Let People Help
Minnesotans are famously good at insisting we’re “doing just fine.” But grief is not something you need to handle alone. When someone offers to shovel your driveway, drop off a hotdish, help wrap gifts, or take the kids sledding for an afternoon, try saying yes.
Your First Christmas Without a Loved One
The first Christmas without a loved one often comes with a lot of “firsts” all at once. The first time decorating the tree without them, the first holiday meal, the first time opening gifts with one less name on the tags. Many people find the anticipation leading up to the day is even harder than the day itself.
If this is your first holiday season after a loss, try to keep your expectations gentle. It’s okay to feel sad, and it’s also okay to laugh, enjoy a good meal, and cheer on the Vikings. Feeling moments of joy doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten the person you lost. It’s simply part of grief during the holidays, and part of being human.
Helping Children Understand Grief
Kids grieve too, but they often do it differently than adults. A child might seem sad one minute and then run off to build a snow fort the next. That’s normal. Mayo Clinic Health System notes that children often move in and out of grief quickly, and they benefit from the chances to express their feelings along with plenty of extra reassurance.
Some simple ways to support kids include using honest, age-appropriate words, inviting them to help make an ornament or write a letter to the person who died, keeping familiar routines as much as possible, and letting them know that any feelings that they’re feeling are okay. If you’re worried about how your child is coping, our pediatric and adolescent care team is always happy to help.
How to Help Someone Grieving This Holiday Season
If someone you love is struggling with grief during the holidays, you might worry about saying the wrong thing. The good news is that your words don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up.
“Be a safe space for your family as much as possible, as dates such as the death of a family member carry a heavy load,” Dr. Bjerke says. “Phone calls will go further than text messages here in my experience.”
Here are a few ways you can help someone who’s grieving:
- Pick up the phone – Hearing a familiar voice can mean so much more than a quick text.
- Say their loved one’s name – Many grieving people worry that others will forget. Sharing a favorite memory can be a real gift.
- Offer specific help – Instead of “let me know if you need anything,” try “I’m dropping off dinner Thursday” or “Can I take care of your sidewalk after the next snowfall?”
- Mark the hard dates – A note or a call on an anniversary or birthday lets them know you remember too.
- Include them, without pressure – Invite them to gatherings, and let them know it’s perfectly okay to leave early or say no.
When the Holiday Blues Turn Into Loneliness
Not everyone has family close by during the holidays. Loneliness during the holidays can be especially hard for older adults who have lost a spouse, people who live far from family, or anyone who doesn’t have reliable support nearby. And it affects our health more than many people realize.
A U.S. Surgeon General advisory found that about one in two U.S. adults reported experiencing loneliness, and that a lack of social connection can increase the risk of premature death to levels that are comparable to smoking daily.
Dr. Bjerke encourages patients to look for as much connection as possible. “Whether it is day centers for seniors, a local community center, or a place of worship for meals or fellowship, seek it out,” he says.
Many communities across the East Metro host holiday meals, senior center gatherings, and volunteer events this time of year. Older adults and caregivers can also call Minnesota’s Senior LinkAge Line at 1-800-333-2433 to find local resources and support.
If you will be spending the holidays alone, Dr. Bjerke recommends being extra careful with alcohol and any medications, and having at least one trusted person you can reach by phone, along with a safety plan if needed.
The Gift That Matters Most Is Your Time
Holiday stress often comes from pressure to make everything perfect. In the same APA poll, 58% of adults said spending too much or not having enough money to spend was a source of holiday stress. Dr. Bjerke hopes people can let go of some of that pressure.
“I recognize there is pressure to buy the perfect gift, go on the coolest vacation, or take the best pictures in front of the tree,” he says. “But I assure you, your family and friends will remember the time you spent with them and the memories you made more than what you presented for them.”
When you’re dealing with grief during the holidays, that message really hits home. The moments we treasure most are usually the simple ones, like a game of cribbage at the kitchen table, a drive to see the lights, or a phone call that lasted a little longer than planned.
When Grief Needs Extra Support
Grief is a natural response to loss, and for most people, the intense pain slowly softens over time, even if grief during the holidays still stings year after year. But sometimes, grief stays so heavy that it makes it hard to function from day to day. When intense, ongoing grief lasts for a year or more after a loss and gets in the way of daily life, it may be a condition called prolonged grief disorder.
The American Psychiatric Association added it to the DSM-5-TR in 2022, and the good news is that it can be treated.
It may be time to reach out for extra support if you notice:
- Intense longing or preoccupation with your loved one that doesn’t ease over time
- Feeling like part of you has died, or that life no longer has meaning
- Trouble returning to work, school, or the activities you used to enjoy
- Pulling away from friends and family
- Low mood, sleep problems, or changes in appetite that last for weeks
- Leaning on alcohol or other substances to cope
Grief support groups can also be a wonderful source of comfort. Many local hospices, churches, and community organizations across the Twin Cities offer free groups, especially around the holidays, where you can connect with others who truly understand. Your provider can help point you toward one that’s a good fit. And if the shorter days have you feeling down too, our guest post on seasonal affective disorder and our tips for managing anxiety with small daily habits may be helpful.
If you or someone you love is in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 911.
How Entira Family Clinics Can Help This Holiday Season
At Entira Family Clinics, we know that health is about so much more than what shows up on a lab test. As Dr. Bjerke puts it, wellness includes your emotional and social health too, and the holidays are a time when all three need a little extra care. We’re a group of family medicine clinics serving patients across the Twin Cities’ East Metro, and our providers take the time to get to know you, your family, and what you’re carrying.
If grief during the holidays is feeling like too much to handle on your own, we’re here to listen. Your provider can check in on your sleep, mood, and overall health, talk through your options, and connect you with our mental health care team or local grief resources. We care for patients of every age, from kids and teens to older adults.
Give us a call at 651-788-4444 or schedule a visit with one of our providers at any of our clinics across the East Metro. Wherever you are in your grief, you don’t have to go through it alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Be gentle with yourself and lower your expectations. It can help to plan ahead for hard days, change or skip traditions that feel too painful, find small ways to honor your loved one, and lean on the people around you. Try to keep up with the basics like sleep, movement, meals, and medications, and reach out to your provider if your grief feels overwhelming.
The holidays are centered on family, traditions, and togetherness, so the absence of a loved one can feel especially noticeable. Familiar songs, foods, and rituals bring back memories, and the pressure to feel cheerful can make sadness feel even more isolating. Shorter days, busy schedules, and financial stress can add to that heavy feeling.
Simple, honest words are best. Try something like, “I’ve been thinking about you and missing your mom too,” or share a favorite memory of their loved one. Avoid trying to fix their feelings or rushing them to feel better. A phone call, a card, or a specific offer of help often means more than finding the perfect words.
Yes, it’s completely normal. Many people don’t feel like celebrating after a loss, especially during the first year. It’s okay to scale back, skip certain events, or celebrate in a quieter way. Let your family and friends know what you need, and remember that what feels right this year may change in the years ahead.
There’s no set timeline for grief. For many people, the most intense pain softens over months, but feelings of loss can come back around holidays, anniversaries, and other special dates for years. If intense grief lasts a year or longer and makes it hard to function day to day, talk with your provider about whether prolonged grief disorder could be playing a role.
It’s a good idea to talk with your provider if your grief is making it hard to work, sleep, eat, or take care of yourself, if you’re pulling away from people you love, if you’re using alcohol or other substances to cope, or if you’re feeling hopeless. If you’re ever having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 right away.
